Tabulous Tab- Michael Sheetz

(Michael is back, which shouldn't really surprise you because he just won't stop writing awesome Guest Posts. If this doesn't make you laugh, then you probably didn't read it. Happy Guest Post week!)


I'll just come out and admit it: As a novice in TP three years ago, I didn't know tab existed. And then when I found out it did exist, I thought it was some sort of horrible monarchy of the royal families of Stoa who all apparently hated me (especially in speech). And then when I found out that Mr. Kuhlmann is actually tab, I realized everything was going to be ok and that tab isn't evil, it's just overworked. (Note: Mr. Kuhlmann actually being tab may or may not be true. But either way, tab is longer evil. Most of the time.)

Now, if you're wondering at this part why I thought, being new to toliet paper and all, that a royal family of large Roman coverings (or, in reality, one man) controlled the amount of alcohol people consumed and hated me because of how I spoke, then you're probably on the wrong blog. Or maybe not. Tabulation (named tab by non-lay-SAD-people) is what gathers, organizes, and spits back out all of the results during and after a speech and debate tournament. And in the case of most tournaments in the SAD league Stoa, tab is run by parents who either:

A) have too much time (Note: This doesn't exist)

B) are really intense, awesome, sacrificial parents

or

C) have an addiction to SAD and working tab

No matter what, tab is one of the most talked about parts about debate at a tournament. How tab is running a tournament (both in the style and on-time-ness) is almost constantly talked about, sometimes even well after awards. But, speaking of awards, one of the most dependable parts of awards is when the tournament director(s) do something to stall for tab who is feverishly trying to figure out results and sort ballots. There's been plenty of tactics, including MC's with bad jokes, praise and worship, photo slideshows (which usually happen anyway), and awarding timers (because those guys are so awesome, they don't need tab). But my personal favorite was when, two years ago, the tournament directors had Stephen Roe and Evan Smith do their individual interps on stage in front of everyone. It gave tab almost a solid half an hour, in which everyone got to enjoy some of the best in the nation entertain everyone (many of who might have wanted to see those speeches, but wouldn't have got to otherwise). So to all you kids who have tournament director parents, I highly recommend you try this.

But I digress. The thing about tab is, no matter how essential to the tournament they may be, they're constantly overlooked. Sure, at most tournaments tab is thanked during the awards ceremony. But what I'm talking about here is how it seems you rarely hear about how awesome tab is for sacrificing so much and working so hard. I've never once heard someone thank a parent during a tournament that is involved in tab. I'm just as bad as everyone else, as I've never done this myself, but I'm definitely going to strive to in this next tournament season. So when you see that parent you know is working tab (aka, Mr. Kuhlmann), give them a passing greeting and compliment! Or maybe a venti quintuple shot espresso. Or, if they're not running too fast to the tab room, a hug! 

You're homeschooled, and Tabman needs to be a superhero.

New-clear Wahr- Michael Sheetz

(Michael is attempting to impede the literary genius that is me by nefariously sending me humorously-written guest posts so that I have no choice but to post his rather than indulge in my own creativity. But he's cool, so it's ok.) 

Most people who are passionate about something they do will have a few key words and phrases that light them up like a Christmas tree. And boy do they know it. For example, if you say "New Material" to a public teacher, they'll groan and rant about how the state administration is crazy. Or "Aluminum-alloy suspension forks" to a mountain biker, they'll start comparing brands and costs. Or "Commute" to someone who lives in Orange County but works in LA, you'll get a face full of complaints about traffic and pollution. (I've always wanted to walk up to a Congressman and say "Debt", but I'd expect they'd just shuffle their feet over to the nearest over-stuffed arm chair, muttering about the last administration). But I digress. 

There are 4 basic reactions in the speech and debate community to the words "n-u-c-l-e-a-r w-a-r", or "It that shall not be named". 

For TP'ers, you get the reaction of "YES! IT THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED IS THE BEST THING EVER! Those Disadvantages are the best!?!? Have you heard my it that shall not be named counter-plan? If we use it that shall not be named to destroy everyone on the world, then we save billions of lives in the future! It's brilliant!" (fill the next 30 minutes listening to lots of ridiculous numbers and how it that shall not be named can be linked to malaria killing children in Africa)

For LD'ers, you get "That's an incredible desensitizing issue that the TP'ers are always linking to everything. No one can possible value it that shall not be named." (fill the next 30 minutes talking about how much more important to society LD is)

For Speechers (that aren't in interps), you get, "I'd rather just use Hitler as an impromptu example than it that shall not be named, but it that shall not be named is SOOOO MUCH FUN for Extemp. Haven't figured out how to tie into Apologetics yet, but I know I can."

For Speechers (that are in interps), you get this:

Basically, if you ask any speech and debater, you will get a very passionate answer. And you will lose the next 30 minutes of your life. (Unless you actually like hearing about it that shall not be named, in which case we have the Debate Dungeon ready for you)

But if you are SAD person (it's kind of like MAD, but different) like me, then you know just how awesome it that shall not be named is.

You're homeschooled, and how Bush pronounces it that shall not be named always annoys you. 

Debaters and Frisbee: It's Ultimate- Michael Sheetz

(Michael's written a guest post before, which was pretty awesome, and for some reason he wanted to write one again! Give him a round of applause, because this post is hilarious.)

Harken back to the long-gone days when Russian foreign policy had just become the resolution for the team policy season and you may discover an alumni and a student, slaving away at a case into which they wished to breathe their sports enthusiasm and knowledge. 

Kyle Helmick and I may have been crazy, but if it was any kind of crazy, it was a genius crazy. We had nearly finished a 1AC that mandated the US send aid to Russia. Not just any boring aid, the 10-million-frisbees kind-of-aid. Statistics of child obesity in Russia were staggering, and proving that Ultimate Frisbee would significantly decrease this problem were easy (Did you know that the only sport that burns more calories on average in the same amount of time as an Ultimate Frisbee game is water polo? Yup, didn't think so. You learn something new everyday.)

Of course, that was until we ran the idea by some parents. First question: "What judge do you think will vote on this?". 

Ok, so we didn't know. But that doesn't refute the fact of how awesome Ultimate Frisbee is. 

If any of you are wondering, Ultimate Frisbee is a sport. A sport where the objective is to pass a disc into an endzone that is on the opposite end of the field. Whenever you have the disc, you can't move, but anyone else on your team may. If that doesn't make sense, just find a homeschool debater and ask them to show you. 

The appeal to debaters, I believe, is the amount of fun you can have by simply throwing around a frisbee. In-between rounds, it's a fantastic way to pass the time, socialize/meet new kids, and talk. Of course, that is until someone gets clocked in the head (which I've seen before. It's really not that bad unless it hits someone's nose)

Back when I started playing UF, I got to play in a group that was in its glory days. Rad people like Amy Van Vlear (The-girl-who-keeps-beating-you-on-fast-breaks-into-the-endzone), Matt Mitt (Am I supposed to even try to defend him?), Sean Hansen (Did he just throw it under my leg?), Cree McCook (With a name like Cree, he's fast. Not fast. fast), Kyle Helmick (Either I'm going crazy or I just saw his arm telescope into the lower stratosphere to grab that), Trevor Scholten (What other fiery ginger can cause so much chaos with just one throw?), and the like were dominant. Being a novice at UF was like being a novice in debate: You kept doing a lot of things but you didn't know why you were doing them or how it could look so easy for everyone else. After about a year though, I picked up on the ropes of UF strategy and people started passing to me. Imagine that!

Three years later, I'm amazed I had never heard of UF before being involved in SAD. 

So whether you've only recently seen frisbees flying around at tournaments or you've been a part of the scene for years, Ultimate Frisbee will always be the second passion in a debater's heart. 

You're homeschooled and you know how to throw both a flick and a hammer. 

Being Judge-mental- Michael Sheetz

(Michael actually did judge at that practice tournament I mentioned once, so he actually knows what he's talking about. At least, he says he does. It sounds like he does. Anyway, people, please welcome, Michael Sheetz!)


I always thought being a judge would be a really horrifying experience, ending feeling like someone just dumped 300 tons of Comic Sans text onto you and your flow pad, drowning you in words for eternity. Turns out, it's actually fun! And maybe it's just me, but leaving "your bias at the door" is a lot easier than it sounds. 

Hopefully you're wondering what the title means. I assume most of the readers of this blog are currently involved in SAD, either in Stoa or NCFCA. I certainly am, and that's why judging was such an incredible eye-opening experience. I was able to view each round from the perspective of how effective an argument was and how important responding is. That's why the title is about using your brain to think like the judge, in terms of what actually matters. I was able to judge 3 rounds like this at CUID a few weeks ago (1 Novice, 2 Varsity) and it enlightened me in a way I never would have been able to experience as a competitor. Before I go on, I want to urge any of you who are still in SAD to try to judge whenever you can, even if it's a practice round. It's worth the effort. 

The first round that I judged at CUID was a novice round, which only reminded me how insanely important flowing and E-spec are. The 2nd round was two varsity teams, who both mitigated the round so far down that I had to go through my flow 5 times before figuring out who actually won anything. The 3rd round showed how important respect and patience is in a round, as it was a very mismatched round and the obviously more skilled debaters proved their skill by even helping the other team along. 

The 2nd round was the most educational, personally, as it showed how you can easily drop half of the other team's arguments on purpose and still win the round. Why? First of all, it shows to the judge that you're realistic in realizing that both teams can't be winning everything, so that means you're losing something. That doesn't mean you're not winning something, just that you're being smart. For example (from a TP standpoint), you can concede to their responses on their Harms, but you must outweigh in one way or another. An easy way is just to have two responses. 1) We concede (aka they're right). 2) This is a non-issue (basically, not a reason to vote for them) or, say, Disadvantage outweighs and is more important. 

BAM. You just spent about 10-15 seconds responding to their argumentation and made the argument no longer an issue in the round. Now you get to focus on your Disadvantage (aka offense). This works on the Affirmative side too, as well as for LD. 

And that's the basics of the insight I gained from judging. 

You're homeschooled, and you're not a mental judge. You're Judge-mental.